City Wide Drive-Like-An-Asshole Night

I did not receive the memo, but yesterday was a city-wide drive-like-an-asshole night. Having no prior knowledge of this, I was unprepared and became quickly frustrated by the antics of the driving population. When you organize a big event like this, you will always have people who show up and perform half-assed. I remember the zombie walk night in the city, and a lot of so-called zombies were just people with a ripped shirt and some ketchup....and that's how the asshole driving night. Some people were lazy and were content with simply driving in the middle of two lanes or driving a little too slow. Other drivers, however, brought their A-game.

I was impressed with how much an asshole some drivers could be. While trying to turn left onto Idylwyld I had to wait until the light turned amber before I could cross as traffic was heavy. At these busy streets, it is expected that people will run the amber so usually I have to wait until the light is actually red before I can scoot across the intersection. With the light red, I thought it safe to cross as surely no one would cut it this late. I was wrong though, and one of the evening's participants not only cut through very late, but gave me the finger for being into the intersection myself. Well played, sir, well played.

Another driver got the best of me when I was traveling down a twisting back road. The snow was piled high and therefore I could not see what was around the corner. As I approached the corner a speeding car stared me dead in the eyes as he drove on the wrong side of the road. Too ensure a good placement in the evening's event, he was sure to swerve out of the way only a mere 15 metres in front of me. My customer got quite the scare, but I comforted her by telling her it was just a game for the evening. I then congratulated my fellow night driver for having pulled off such a ballsy and asshole move.

As the evening progressed I became more and more frustrated with other drivers but managed to keep my cool. The roads were very icy and on one particular road I had to go quite slow to make sure I did not slide into a busy intersection. The truck behind me was not pleased by this, and in keeping with the theme he honked and swerved around quite feverishly. At this point I muttered 'Hell is other drivers'. My customer did not appear to be an avid Sartre reader as she misunderstood the quote and thought I was simply mad at the other driver. I myself found the quote to be quite fitting.

As day turned into night and the clock passed 12:00 I was relieved that Drive-Like-An-Asshole night was over. The remaining five hours of my shift could go by much more smoothly, and they did. A trip to Martensville and some generous tippers who had been waiting in the cold for a long time brightened the financial side of the evening. Unfortunately, they were waiting outside Jax so of course they were not quality clientele. At this point I started rating my customers on a scale of 0-100. I soon figured that this was too simple a system and soon started rating them 0-10 on three different categories. From here, I discovered my dislike for people who swore, or gave people the finger, or were just simply rude. I then looked at my own self. I tend to swear quite a bit and perhaps this does not look favourably on me. I will try to classier person in the future.

On a side note, the two customers I rated the highest were just nice guys who asked about my job. Not very entertaining, but quality people...even despite one of them coming from Buds. Perhaps I will try to be a higher quality person by just asking people about their life and being polite.

Greasy Gregg's Late Night Chow:
Tonight I found out that I can order breakfast sandwiches at Tim Horton's as early as 4 AM. 5/5.

Spacial Discrimination

Tonight at the Scuz one member of the drinking population experienced some spacial discrimination. He asked a cab driver if he could be taken to the West Side, and the driver responded by saying he wanted the money up-front. Since he wanted to pay by debit, the driver refused. My taxi was sitting right behind where this was happening, so naturally the young inebriated fellow came to my window. Me being too nice for my own profession, I welcomed him into my cab. As it turns out, he's a drug dealer...but a nice drug dealer. Him and his friend invited me in for a smoke, but I declined. Upon hearing that I was a business student, he demanded that I open a Taco Bell on the West Side. Apparently, everyone's get-rich-quick scheme on the west side is to open as Taco Bell. He also demanded that he get 50% off whenever he came into said Taco Bell. I responded by saying that if I ever opened a Taco Bell he could come it for free whenever he wanted.

Repeat Customer No. 1
I dropped some random guys off at the Copper Mug and then later in the evening I picked the same people up. They asked if I was their cab driver earlier in the evening. I asked them if their cab driver was young and white. They responded in the affirmative. I then said that must have been their cab driver earlier as there are no other young white cab drivers in the city.

Repeat Customer No. 2
Three ladies rode in my cab across the city. I quickly found out that they were commerce students at the U of S and we struck up a conversation. When dropping them off I gave out my number, as I am wont to a couple times every shift. I was surprised though when they actually called me back. They were nice, we stopped at Subway and got a bite to eat, which I didn't mind because it was after 3:30 and I never really get any calls after that. They said they would call me again some other weekend. I doubt it. Perhaps I will see them in school one day. If I do, I will say nothing. Worlds must not collide.

I continue to think of my job as a video game, and I started to wonder what kind of cheats this game would have it actually existed. This line of thought eventually led to me wondering what the best superpower would be for a cabbie. I decided that the ability to see the future would be best....either that or completely horrible. Just when they're about to call, Carson rolls up in the Caravan. They ask if someone else called a cab already. I say 'Not yet they haven't, I'm just a super-cabbie'.

...some engineers from Calgary were quite upset when they found out that Saskatoon did not have strip clubs. For some reason that cab ride ended with me recommending them that they go to 302.

Coug Night

A man gave me a $20 tip so that he could slide over the hood of my cab 'Dukes of Hazzards-style'. He failed miserably. I gave him the double thumbs up and drove away.

I pinky swore with a cougar that I would not have sex with her. I did not have sex with her.

A house ordered two cabs tonight. I was one of them. They took too long and the other cab drove away. In the following moments 11 people rode in a cab that only seats 7.

One customer informed me of some government family cheque that was given out this week, and predicted that there would be a lot of cougars. His hypothesis proved to be correct. Unfortunately, I haven't shaved for a week and have not had a haircut in some time, so I could not fully take advantage of this opportunity. However, I was still able to get 6 tips throughout the night that exceeded $10. Two of these were in excess of $20. Two of these tips had to be reciprocated by me giving them my cell phone number. I do not predict that I will receive any calls from them.

Two is the number of tips that I got this evening that came in the form of McDonalds. One was a large soda, the other was medium fries.

Corn dogs from 7-Eleven are delicious. Jalapeno taquitos are not.

Upon hearing that I keep a blog of my taxi nights, one customer recommended that I get a smart phone with internet so that I can tweet real-time updates of my evening. I do not see a necessity for this.

Canada is now the 3rd most popular country for this blog. Germany is number 1. Thank you to those germans who are currently reading this.

You're All Freeloaders

I'll admit it, I have anger management issues. Except, unlike most people my issue is that I can't seem to stay angry. I really wanted to have an angry night. Everything was going wrong. I had to stand around for the first 40 minutes of my shift while they finished an oil change on my vehicle (I was not even made aware of this until 20 minutes into my shift). Then, I find out they stole my map book when they cleaned the vehicle and did the oil change, but I was all the way on the other side of the city. So, I had to drive all the way back and spend $27 on a new one, only to find the old one the second I stepped back into my cab. Then I had shitty customers who didn't tip. At one point I was actually flipping off random pedestrians on Broadway, so I suppose I can show some anger.

...but that didn't last. I don't know how to explain this next part, but I made myself feel better by giving a free ride to some sort-of friends I was driving to Outlaws. I was mad because I wasn't working and wasn't making money, so I gave up even more money and felt better because of it. There was also some Bob Marley involved and maybe that helped me feel better. Either way, anger didn't last, I just don't have it in me.

Like every other night, I got invited to a few parties tonight. A told one guy that I really can't drink when I'm working, so he said I should just come and smoke weed for a while....because that's okay. One party was actual in my apartment building, and my shift was over in 20 minutes. Still, no go....I don't feel like going to random parties with sketchy cab customers.

One final Christmas gift came in the form of the Olympian Sports office Christmas party. I ran into three of those guys and racked up $25 on tips alone on their corporate account. They seemed to have no problem taking detours around the city. $52 is now my biggest fare collected, thanks to them.

Line of the Night:
-"They want me to come to this fondue party tomorrow night"
-"FONDON'T"

Stopping: The Cabbie's Achilles' Heel

This city has too many stop signs. This has become a stop city. We need to be a go city. We need more go signs.

At least I had an excuse tonight. I tried to stop, but my cab wasn't having any of that. I slid through a few red light cameras, I hope they understand. My customers understood. I got into a slide, there was a red light....and all I did was look both ways and power through. They thought I was being crazy and trying to get them there quickly. Whatever gets me a good tip....

Greasy Gregg's Late Night Chow: 7-Eleven Taquito's
I've decided to introduce a reoccurring segment to this blog, based on my sampling of the late night cuisine of the city. These reviews are be perfect for the drunk who just needs to fill his or her belly with greasy goodness. Of course, every segment needs a sponsor, and who better to sponsor greasy good than our friend Greasy Gregg? For those that don't know Gregg, he currently holds the fairly prestigious honour of being the greasiest customer I've had to privilege of driving around. Being 40-50 years old with long, poorly dyed hair and playing VLTs puts you into a certain level of greasiness, but what puts Gregg over the top is that he tried to pick up a hooker in my cab. That really just puts you into a league of your own. Getting on with it, the inaugural food for this segment are the 3 for $5 Taquitos at 7-Eleven. Famous for their Not-really-a-deal-deals, 7-Eleven packs a punch with these spicy grease-dipped fireballs. When presented with options of Jalapeno, Buffalo, and Monterrey Jack, I thought I'd go with the safe non-spicy option, but was knocked back by a fireball of deliciousness. If I am ever to up my game and go for the Jalapeno, I will be sure to bring a fire extinguisher. (I'm exaggerating, they aren't that hot....but they're pretty damn good for 5 AM food). Score: 4.0/5 Greggs

My Night in Numbers
Drinks spilled in my cab tonight: 3. (The beer and the coke were spilled by drunks, but the chocolate milk was all me. That didn't stop me from blaming a drunk when my next customer asked me why I had chocolate milk spilled on myself.)
Trips already booked for tomorrow night: 2People in my cab who I knew: Too many
Friend(s) of a friends: 1
Lost keys in cab: 0 (Despite having to search my cab intensely, they were found at the house I originally picked them up at)
Doughnuts: 2
Packs of Halls: 3
Hours that my iPod lasted: 2 (goddammit!)

I'm considering the idea of gonzo cabbing. For those that don't know the term, gonzo is a style of journalism that Hunter S. Thompson used where he involved himself with the story to a point where he provoked things to happen. Some nights for me are boring, so I think I need to find ways to provoke my customers to make my night more exciting. The trick here is to provoke them without inciting them to hatred and thereby putting my life in jeopardy. How would customers react if I wore a fake beard? played Disney music really loud? starting talking to myself? These are situations that play themselves out in my head throughout my 12 hours of cabbing.

Carson Gets A Speeding Ticket

In the hour leading up to my shift I was faced with a decision. Clearly sick, the smart thing to do would have been to call in sick and not go. However, my financial situation made me think twice. On top of that, I wasn't sure if I even could take a sick day. Would I still have to pay my lease? Does it cost me $80 to not go to work? Whatever, off to work I go. I'll put in 4-5 hours, make my $80 and maybe a bit more, and then just pack it in.

Three hours come and go, business is good and my bed is within sight. Unfortunately, the other thing within my sight (my rear-view sight to be precise) are the ole' cherries and berries. As I'm pulled over the cop walks up to my window and yells 'You will respect my authori-TAY!'. The only necessary reply was for me to pull out my 9 mm and show that pig who's boss. Before I know it we are out in the street, guns in our holsters and eyes locked, each ready for the other to make the first move. Silence swept over the city. An empty plastic bag danced its way through our duel as the tension grew to unbearable heights. The only thing needed to perfectly capture the mood would have been a homeless man whistling the tune to The Good The Bad And The Ugly. Unfortunately, none such vagrant was to be found.

So ya.....$127 speeding ticket for going 67 down Circle Drive. I personally feel that it is retarded that the speed limit is 50 down there. At this point I went from being $10 in the hole to being faced with a big red $140. Sleep was not looking like a possibility for me at this point.

I did get have good customers. I got some good tips for letting some people play with my iPod. They seemed to like the Tom Petty and Michael Jackson, but were confused as to why Mozart was on my iPod as well. They also gave me a beer and I promised I'd drink it when I was done my shift. I am currently fulfilling that promise.

New game for when you are drunk in a taxi:

No one is allowed to say the same punchline multiple times. If you do, you get punched in the face-check that-I come punch you in the face. Seriously, happens two or three times I night. Someone makes a joke and then just keeps repeating the punchline all the way home.

Sleeping On The Job

Regular Occurrence:

Driving a drunk home....they don't give an address but give me turn-by-turn directions on the way there.....the directions stop coming....the drunk has passed out in the front seat. Where am I supposed to go? I give them a shake..."Holy shit, you were supposed to turn way back there!"

-
'Is this the Cash Cab?'
'Yup'
'Really?'
'Not a fuckin chance'
-

Today one of my customers showed me his butterfly knife. He told me to touch it to see how sharp it was. Disregarding Christmas, I have had 3 knives shown to me in my last two shifts. This trend is distressing.

My seatbelt was uncomfortable so I took it off. I don't usually drive without a seatbelt so it felt odd. I then began to wonder if, in a fresh batch of irony, I would get into a car accident tonight and die because of my lack of safety harness. I then wondered what the results of my death would be. The conclusion that I arrived at was that it would not be much of a tragedy, although AIESEC Saskatoon would need a new VPOGX. Most of the world would remain unaffected by my absence. My seatbelt remained unhinged for the duration of the evening.

I was extremely sick tonight (thanks AIESEC) but I tried very hard to make it not show. I didn't want to reach for my Halls because then my customers would know that their driver is sick and they might not like the idea of catching something. This led to me looking like I was either constipated or dry-heaving....but I never coughed in front of a customer.

Tonight I tried to mimic my customers. Language, facial expressions, mannerisms, etc. I felt I did a pretty good job, no one called me on. I read about this as a sales technique that makes a customer feel like they connect with you in some way. I wasn't sure if it was BS or not, but after tonight I think it might be true.

My shift ended at 4:30, when I realized that a few seconds earlier it was only 4:00. Apparently I took a half hour nap. Convinced that I was too sick and too tired to continue, I packed it in a bit early. My thoughts have now shifted towards Tim Hortons breakfast sandwiches. It is my undying wish that I will wake up tomorrow and they will be beside my bed. They will be warm. I will eat them. They will be delicious. I will be satisfied.

Mmmmmmmmmm....

Why am I still writing this? I am tired....